Listening better – You just might get to know something!

The benefits of good listening are highlighted well by Wilson Mizner, an American playwright, who said “A good listener is not only popular everywhere, but after a while they get to know something.”

Two ears one mouth

We have all probably heard someone saying ‘there’s a reason we have two ears and one mouth’ and yet the importance of good listening continues to be underestimated. OECD research doesn’t even mention listening as a taught skill and yet it is a massive part of our communication.

It’s not just about the words

Key to good listening is understanding that communication is a subtle mixture of verbal (the words), non-verbal (the tone of voice and pace) and para-verbal (body language).

Research is mixed about the influence of each of these three elements on understanding but the important thing here is that each of them does influence understanding and if one element is in-congruent with the others it can give the listener important clues.

Be a better HEERER

Listening then, is the mental process of being a great HEERER.

Head – Perhaps the most important part of listening. Listening really does start before any words are spoken.  I’m sure we’ve all gone into a conversation with a mindset where we’ve already switched off before it begins. Going into the conversation expecting to be interested really helps. The other person will pick up clues from your approach and will be encouraged to share more with you.

In the busy office or home environment distractions are multiple and the stimulus or motivation to listen well may be reduced. Remove as many distractions as possible.  Turn off the TV, move to a quiet space, give the person your full attention.

It is also no coincidence that in order to LISTEN well, you must be SILENT. One of the key distractions for listening is thinking of the next question you would like to ask and then interrupting the speaker. Asking questions is great and also shows you’re interested, just do it at the appropriate time when you have given the person you’re listening to plenty of ‘airtime’.

Eyes – Both yours and theirs. Maintain comfortable eye contact. Show you’re interested. Those with children will be familiar with the feeling that you may as well be ‘talking to the wall’ as they look away into the distance whilst you’re getting across what you believe to be a very important point.  Eyes also give away important clues about what both you, and the person you’re listening to, might be feeling or thinking. Happy, sad, angry, calm?

Ears – Listening not just to the words, but the tone of voice and pace of conversation. What isn’t being said? What might the tone of voice be communicating? Confidence, nervousness, excitability, boredom?

Rest of the body – Be attentive, respectful, encouraging and most importantly authentic. Facing the person you’re listening to helps.  How many times in the workplace have you seen a conversation between people where they’re not even facing each other?

It is no secret that we tend to like people that are like us. In this respect mirroring and matching, is a technique associated with Neuro Linguistic Programming where you can help to build rapport quickly with someone by matching their body language and use of words.  This generally occurs subconsciously and is best done when it comes from a genuine and authentic desire to ‘get along’.

Empathy – By checking our understanding of what someone is saying to us we demonstrate empathy. Paraphrasing, summarising, questioning and imagining what it might be like from their perspective can all help us gain a deeper understanding of what is being communicated. Be cautious here about making assumptions. Who hasn’t heard someone say ‘I know how you are feeling’ and thought ‘no you don’t’? A better approach might be ‘Tell me .. how are you feeling?’ or ‘I’m sensing something. What is it?’

Rapport – Finally,  rapport is what you build through developing understanding. By listening first, using the techniques outlined above, you’ll be well on the way to developing your understanding of the other person. Now you’ve given them plenty of airtime it’s just up to them to listen to what you’ve got to say!

If you’d like to improve your listening skills why not set yourself a SMARTER goal and think about how you can change your listening habits.

Improveon provides wellbeing consulting, coaching and speaking services to help individuals, teams and organisations thrive. Services include:

• Personal coaching
• Team coaching
• Leadership coaching
• Workplace wellbeing consulting
• Speaking

Call or contact David now to find out how Improveon can help develop better listening skills for you, your team or your business.